Hey everyone! In my last news post, I mentioned that I went through my final round of heavy chemo. It's too early right now to see how things are gonna be, but I made a video about my plans.
I tried something new with the lighting and added some blue light in the backdrop - I think it looks pretty snazzy! Sometimes I feel like I'm in a bit of an identity crisis with my content. Before cancer hit, I made videos that were commentaries on YouTube content, with an emphasis on humor. I feel like I've kinda had to force my more serious videos, especially the cancer-related ones. At the same time, it was interesting to branch out into a different type of content and I feel like it was important to document that since it was such a big thing in my life.
I've thought about becoming one of those channels where I make more videos about it, and maybe they'll have informative merit or something, but I'm just looking forward to making content that's fun again. Maybe not strictly YouTube commentaries though, because there's a lot less interesting things to comment on than there were in 2016, and I'm not that jazzed about things as I was when I was 16. Not that two years is THAT big of a difference, but eh.
But I did wanna make a more analytical video, so here's my longest video in a while:
So yeah, still gotta find out what content I wanna make. At some point, I might wanna try integrating art/animation again, put some of that Newgrounds experience to use, y'know? I'd love to do skit comedy with acting but it's tough when I don't have my balance back yet. I'll see what I can do about that though. I could make something work, it'd still be sick.
As for positive personal improvements - I feel a lot less lonely and isolated these days. More friends? New friends? No. There was a time during my chemo treatment spanning several months, I wanna say last November to the start of this year, that I kinda started to get bitter that it seemed like none of my peers were really interested in talking to me. And in that state of isolation, it's pretty easy to get worked up to that point. I'd try texting a lot of people and it was always a dead end. Eventually, I realized that it was likely because I never built a friendship in the first place when I knew them. I didn't even say hello or goodbye. I didn't ask about them or show interest in them. In some cases it was because I really was too apathetic or judgmental, or I was being a bit of a self-conscious weenie and never really opened up. Either way, realizing there was personal responsibility I had to accept was liberating.
The second thing I wanted to say about that is that I often had a fear of missing out, so it would bum me out when I would think about how I wasn't really part of that group of friends. As time passed, I realized they're not really good company, and I wouldn't want to be in that group anyway. What bothered me was the idea that I couldn't be one of them - the idea that I had no choice - but the reality is, even if I had the choice, I wouldn't want it. I just wanted to prove something. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, I learned to take responsibility, and recognize the difference between actually wanting something vs. wanting to prove something.
I do feel like my mental state has improved lately though. I'm more religious now and so I've been trying to be a better, less judgmental person. I've gotten better at managing things like frustration and anger but there's still a lot of work to be done. I've learned when to turn the other cheek at least. Just gotta call it a wash sometimes.
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